What’s love got to do with fat?

If you were asked to describe me in one word, I bet the first word that comes into your mind is fat  you might not admit it, but it’s true  I am fat

So I’m currently on day 2 of the hardest diet you can imagine. You see I am fat. Huge. Enormous. I’ve gone beyond the curvy deliciousness of the manatee and am now I full on whale territory. I’ve done it before losing the equivalent weight of another fat person in the process. I was thin, skinny, petite, all the adjectives that women want to have attached to descriptions of their corporeal self. I currently don’t eat. I have food packs and enough water and decaf tea to make my bladder scream for mercy. It’s awful. You feel like shit for about two weeks until those darling wee things called ketones kick in and give you a high. You’re not hungry any more, you feel full of energy; you can’t poo, but it’s worth the pain of the piles you inevitably get. So why am I doing this to myself? I’m asking myself that question an awful lot today because I’m a bloody hypocrite. A big fat hypocrite. Ask anyone and they will tell you I am a champion of the curvy. I think big girls are beautiful, gorgeous, hot, sexy. I think they can dress amazingly well and totally rock with attitude and sass. But I look in the mirror and am horrified, truly disgusted by what I see reflected back to me. I see a lack of control, discipline. Someone who doesn’t have the mental strength to say no to foods I love. And I wonder. If I was slim, would I be loveable?

Abraham Maslow hypothesised that humans have an innate desire to be self actualised, to be all that they can be, but in order to become this self actualised person, a number of basic needs must be met. Food, water, sleep, sex, breathing before more advanced needs like security, family, sexual intimacy,self esteem, confidence and acceptance. So basically if you have a disordered relationship with food, you can’t become a fully actualised person. Basically you’re holding yourself back from achieving your full potential. And therein lies another problem. If you’re an alcoholic, you leave off the booze. You don’t eat – you die. End of the line. So losing weight is hard. It’s harsh. It’s not just physical it’s emotional. It requires drive that you don’t even know you possess to be successful and even if you manage to lose the weight, you are probably destined to regain the weight and more. A study by the university of California found 83% of people who lost ten percent of their body weight put on more than they lost two years later and half put on an additional 11lb. So yep. You’re basically screwed.

To anyone that hasn’t had to lose a substantial amount of weight – I am so beyond jealous. Being fat is horrible. I’ve had people stop me in the street, spit on me, laugh at me, talk about me at a volume they know I can hear just because I am fat. It’s almost as if you’re less of a person. Friends talk about being desperate to lose half a stone because they are so chunky. Have you any idea how it feels to hear that? Talking about seven pounds of fat like its the worst most disgusting thing in the world next to a mate who has seven stone to lose? Then there is the problem of people noticing. Trust me. When you’re my size they don’t notice until you’re at least 4 stone lighter. You pray every day you’ll look better and that someone will notice, but they don’t. Then there is the well meaning people who are stuffing their faces with what ever they like, who when you do crack and eat a cheese sandwich, give you that look of ‘poor fatty, can’t control themselves’ when you’ve basically starved for a month because you want to look like they do, to wear the pretty clothes in the magazines, to feel desired, sexy, wanted (remember Maslow?)

Elizabeth Kubler Ross spoke about grief and loss saying it has five stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This is the same when you’re fat & you are thinking about dieting

Denial – I’m not that fat

Anger – yes I am that fucking fat

Bargaining – Ok I’ll never eat bread again so that will make it alright

Depression – Jesus. I’m so fat and useless. No one will ever love me

Acceptance- yes I’m fat and I am the only one who can do anything about it.

So we abuse ourselves and try to do something intrinsically against human nature. We are programmed to eat and eat lots because our cave women ancestors didn’t know where the next meal was coming from. We diet, we try, we succeed sometimes, we fail sometimes  We hurt because we just want to be loved and accepted regardless of our size. Forget all about the health cost of obesity for a moment because I know there is an obesity epidemic. I know being fat kills you quicker, imagine being able to wake up, look in the mirror and love what you see. To put on whatever you want and to feel like you rock it. That’s true freedom and that’s the most important kind of love. Self love. Having a true loving relationship with yourself so your relationships with others are positive. You aren’t waiting about for them to love you back because you don’t need love and acceptance. You’ve already found it.

So I diet because I have a vintage leather skirt I want to wear. It’s fabulous and I will feel awesome in it  but I’m still going to be a big lassie, just a smaller plus size. I am unhappy being quite this big and I don’t want my health to suffer when I’m older. But I am doing this for me, because frankly I no longer give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks anymore. You don’t fancy me? Fine. You don’t love me? Your loss. I will never be a size ten, or 14 – even a 16 again because I don’t feel good about myself. I like boobs, I like eating with people. It gives me real pleasure to share a meal with someone I love. Life is too short to constantly punish myself for my deficiencies in the gorgeous department. So yeah. I’m a big fat hypocrite. For me I can’t be fabulous at any size, I’m not programmed that way but maybe this time regardless of success, I’ll give myself a break and not worry so much about everyone else’s issues with my size. Because like it or not I will still be fat. But rocking an electric blue leather skirt and matching boots